from now on my penis is your penis
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
