Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
