watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
We are two peas in an std pod
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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