When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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