it's not cheating when I paid for it
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
