Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
What drink are we having for lunch?
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
