I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
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