I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
