The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
