She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
