yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
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No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
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I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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