You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
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