Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Randomize
