I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
