This house was built for laser tag.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
