I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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