Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
We are two peas in an std pod
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
