her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
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