There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
