i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
