im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
