I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
people are starting to question the shark bite story
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Randomize
