This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
