i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
