i jhust puked up my retainher.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
He better not be in your backpack
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
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