Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
