She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
