I want to have your abortion
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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