your room smells of hookers.
And success
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
