Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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