how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Randomize
