Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
