I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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