how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
She bit a glass in half.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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