i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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