Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
