I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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