Whatcha textin bout Willis?
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
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