Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
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I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
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