I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
