Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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