i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Pooping to opera.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
