the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
