I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
