we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
