I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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