Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
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Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
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The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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