i just had sex bonerless
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
