There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
