Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
