My balls are so social today.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
