the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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