I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
