Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
