I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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