I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Randomize
