i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
