Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
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