we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
